haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
