was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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