shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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