Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
