then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
