sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
