You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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