I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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