The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize