Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
