11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We had to coat check the pizza.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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