hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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