forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
