I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
