So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
