I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize