If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize