I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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