wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
