So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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