im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
