Porn is love you can see.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize