I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
