we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
