her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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