Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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