it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
