I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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