Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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