i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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