I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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