i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
