We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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