Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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