I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize