Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
