DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize