you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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