To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize