I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
