Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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