you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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