there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
