I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
