I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
