that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
