listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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