Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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