i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
