32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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