i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why do cheetos always look like penises
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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