Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
