I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
