Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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