In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
