ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize