she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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