you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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