I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
